I haven’t jerked off in almost a month I guess you can say I haven’t been feeling myself lately

“love is the most powerful force in the universe” wrong! huge explosions are

Joe is getting ready his Batman impression… So he decides to show his friend Bob. “Hey Bob, wanna see a Batman impression?” “Okay.” “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” “That’s Superman.” “Thanks Bob!”

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time? ME: Love. T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time? M: Also love.

It’s not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.

The Supreme Court is like regular court but with sour creme, guacamole and extra cheese.

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.

Philip Seymour Hoffman use to be my favorite actor… But now he’s dead to me.