I can’t believe this paper went to college, let alone thought it ruled

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

My favorite part of a marathon is… My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.

What do you call 10 degree water? Ice.

I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.

What do you do when a timeline dies? Barry it.

Did you hear about the gay fisherman who went for a check up They said if he wanted to get better, he had to stop going down on all the docks.

Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.

Yo mama so fat… She holds her pants up with the bible belt