Pickup lines in /r/jokes? Stahp.

Why do parrots carry umbrellas? So they don’t become polly-saturated!

The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o’ clock.

*NSFW-ish* Two nuns Two nun’s are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says “Quick, show him your cross” Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says “Oi, Fuck off!”

What’s the difference between a bunch of sly pygmies and a girl’s track team? The sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts ….. (it’ll come to you )

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Jesus saves But Moses invests

What’s the difference between Prince and a White Dwarf? Nothing, they’re both dead stars.

What are the four words that you least want to hear, after having blown Willie Nelson? “I’m not Willie Nelson.”