I’m not sure if Steve Jobs got into heaven… God’s a bit touchy about apples…

I’m looking into joining the rubber band industry after High school. I’ve heard from multiple people that it has quite extensive opportunities.

Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette? Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night.

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

That awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.

I’m 12 feet taller than my grandparents. I’m 6 feet tall and they’re 6 feet under.

What’s worse than finding hair in your food? Finding out the chef is bald.

First man: what is the most commonly used French expression? Second man: uhh… I give up

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it… Hold it…. Hold it… Keep holding it… Die.

Best Ever Comedy Movies – Can You Guess The Movie Quote