My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis. For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat.

I prepared the chicken earlier. I said, “Listen, there’s no easy way to say this…”

*Tim Burton slams hands on table* WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE *turns to Depp* HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

My daughter can be so cruel… Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers? Me: I don’t know, what? Her (pointing at me): YOU, don’t eat your broccoli!

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

The doctor asked me if I was having trouble getting an erection.. I said, getting one is not my problem it’s finding someone to give it to.

How do Helen Keller’s parents punish her? Glue doorknobs to the walls.

Why did the horse feel famous on Reddit? He was gelded.

“Maybe like a tiny bed for your face.” – pillow pitch meeting

What did the baby corn say to the momma corn? Where’s pop corn?