How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it

Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down the well? She screamed her fingers to the bone.

*races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Linkin Park My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday…she said she couldn’t stand my Linkin Park references anymore, but I guess in the end…it doesn’t even matter.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

What’s the difference between a penis and a testicle? (sfw) There’s a vas deferens between them.

What do you call a father who was kidnapped in Iraq? A Baghdad.

It’s sad that, because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it’s like to choke their friends with a phone cord.

My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can’t believe it’s Monday already.

What kind of tree do chickens come from? None of them you stupid fuck. Chickens come from other chickens, trees from other trees, and the ‘try’ part of ‘poultry’ isn’t even spelled the same.