There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Mafia Victim Barbie …feet set in cement–she really sinks!

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas? I don’t know, he hasn’t opened his presents yet.

The Device Too Big To Fail I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

No one likes a motherfucker *Except for the mother*

Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit? He’s forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds… …so I bought her a bathroom scale.

Why do migits laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.

I hate being bipolar. It’s awesome!

Did you hear they found a dead ice cream vendor covered in sprinkles? Police are saying he topped himself.

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.