My freshman year of college I farted in a tiny crowded dorm room & a girl’s younger sister who was visiting & wasn’t even drunk threw up.

I don’t understand chinese philosophy. It Confucius me.

[doctors] “How long have I got?” “Not long. Two, three months” [casually places apple on desk] “Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

What is the only thing on earth that goes “ha ha” on a Monday? A bit late, but…. A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

Why do black people keep the brims of their hats flat? So birds don’t shit on their lips.

What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers

What signal tells you that a politician is lying? The lips are moving

[me as a ninja] [a smoke ball is thrown in a park] [when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

I’d love to hear an actor honestly answer the “How did you prepare for today?” red carpet question with “Cocaine and sit ups.” #GoldenGlobes

What do you tell a women with a black eye? Nothing, you already told her once.