Utah… but I’m taller.

Why did the cow sign up for TSA precheck? Butterflies

What’s black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

What did the blind fortune teller tell his customer i can see your future (I’m not sure if this has been posted already)

My friend saw the son of god at a brothel yesterday… Or as he called it, the third coming of Jesus.

Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don’t want to get up and find the remote.

I just bought that new aftershave “Stalker”…. It’s slightly stronger than Obsession.

What finally killed Captain Hook? Jock Itch!