If I were Jesus, I’d change all the water on waterslides to wine because how awesome would winoslides be?

Taking a cue from politicians, I’m getting thirty normal people to stand behind me every time I say something stupid. (They’re here now.)

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

What did one bird say to the other bird? toucan play at this game.

The world’s shortest joke. Pakistani government.

If I were Mario I’d hang out with Toad all the time He seems like a real fun guy.

A pediatrician and funeral guy opened up a business together. The sign out front said “Either way, you get your kid back”

Remember those morons that protested civil rights reform in the 60s? If you’re against gay marriage, that’s how you’ll look in a few decades

Be that Shopping Cart with the bad wheel. Go in your own direction no matter how hard someone try’s to push you in theirs.

A Social Justice Warrior went to the doctor about their weight problem. The doctors says to avoid trans fats. The Social Justice Warrior asks, am I allowed to use Tumblr?