People in India must really enjoy sandwiches. I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.

THE RIGHT ONE HOW CAN YOU BE CERTAIN YOU FOUND THE RIGHT ONE? AFTER YOU PASS GAS,THEY HAVENT FILED FOR AN ORDER OF PROTECTION

What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him

My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.

Why is turkey happy? It just escaped from a coop.

Why is my hand 11 inches long? Because if it were any longer it would be a foot!

I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.

I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone” -girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle !