I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

[x-ray] DOCTOR: wow ME: what DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of- ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Cheesy joke A muenster attacked Emmenthal institution. Everyone cheddared with panic. There was de brie everywhere. It was no Gouda.

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra

I got a girl’s number today! All I had to do was hit her car.

Why is French person a better team player than a pirate? The pirate says, “Aye, aye!” The French says, “Oui, oui!”

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry

Avocado or Donald Trump? Avocado or Donald Trump for president? Well, one is a wrinkly old bag filled with green mush The other one is an avocado.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?” Interviewee: “Word.”

A robot walks into a bar; says he needs to loosen up. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.