My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.

Whats the difference? Whats the difference between mash potatoes and pea soup?… Anyone can mash potatoes…

What happens if Donald Trump pulls out of the election? He will be Donald Duck

In the library: “Excuse me, where are the books about paranoia?” “They are… right behind you.”

What do you call your saggy old midwife? Me doula oblongota

I hate it when people make eye puns… It really makes me *lash* out sometimes

Why should you not visit the Ukraine with your fly unzipped? Because if you don’t, Chernobyl fall out!

Joke What did the one Angel say to the other? “Halo”

I’ve just raped a retarded virgin. Pure and simple.

What do you call two midgets giving each other oral sex? 34.5ing