Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

What kind of insect gets triggered on tumblr? A butthurtfly

Everybody is annoying after one hour.

Why doesn’t Donald trump travel in ships anymore..? Cause he doesn’t like Cruz…

Why does no work ever get done on the Sun? Because it’s always a Sun day

What has four hairy legs and fucks my sister? Me and my dad.

I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.

If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a man with AIDS on the moon. And then someday, we can put everyone with AIDS on the moon.

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town. They call it resisting a rest.