Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate…

Who the hell invented Bull Riding? “Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I used to think I had an ass that prison inmates would die for, now, I don’t know.

Ever since I’ve been on crutches I’ve been extremely depressed… I mean I just can’t stand myself.

You can’t get AIDS from a toilet seat unless you sit down before the other guy gets up

There’s two things I don’t like about my sons new partner. He’s black

Very sick man asks the doctor, “how long do I have?” The doctor replies “10.” “10? 10 years? 10 months? 10 what?” “9…8…7…”

If your bio says “Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman” I’m assuming you misspelled “Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds.”