why did the man cross the road? he had his dick stuck in a chicken

16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone. Me: Should we leave a key? 16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.

Wife: “Take me to bed or lose me forever.” Husband: *Thinks about it for 45 minutes*

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

[australia’s first national meeting] Do we want to make our own language? That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today “It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces”, said one of the orphans

What’s the difference between Luke Skywalker and a black man? Luke Skywalker eventually finds out who his father is.

Donald Trump comes from the future There will be hell toupee

He’s making a list, He’s checking it twice. And now I’m falling asleep. And she’s calling a cab.

I’ve been dating a homeless women recently, and i think its getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.