TIL when nursery rhymes are playing in the car but your child is no longer in the car then the songs were probably never for him in the first place.

I wonder if Jesus would have been as popular if his name was Eric.

Man, Asians drive so bad . . . I’m starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

INFORMER!!! Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm… A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

I’m anti-semantic but I don’t know how to say it.

– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! – Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

What’s the best part about showering with a 7 year old girl? You slick their hair back and you’ve got a 7 year old boy.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

“I” before “E” but only at participating locations

What is the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo? A Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the cage along with a recipe.