ME: I’d like to order…the updog. WAITER: How would u like that prepared? ME: um medium well? W: very good Me: oh god what have I just done

What do you have when you have 1000 whites skydiving? Oil

What does a chef and a gravitational wave astronomer have in common? They both work in gastronomy

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry martinez.

Did you hear the joke about the deaf idiot? Neither did he.

Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door.

What bank do birds open accounts with? The one with the most branches!

Where do fish come from? Finland!

What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase? Audi *tips hat*

If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.