My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

What’s the one thing spiderman can’t eat? Uncle bens rice

Bill Cosby likes pudding his dick where it doesn’t belong.

2 Antennas got married recently The ceremony was shit, but the reception was just great

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen But that’s not the whole story so if you see “charged with battery” don’t buy it!

What do you call a root beer in a square glass? Beer

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please

i like my memes how i like my burgers… rare and hearty