HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR… Me- a house landed on your sister

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Knock knock Who’s there? Alzheimer’s Alzheimer’s who? To get to the other side!

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Fun Fact By law, fun facts don’t have to be true, but actual facts do. Just a fun fact I thought I’d share.

Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.

Don’t trust the atoms… They make up everything.

How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem? “Oh secant, you say?”

What’s the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust? Spit, swallow, gargle.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.