How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Stick a nipple on it.

What has holes in it, and travels down an alley? Batman: my parents?? Riddler: no its a bowling ball! I-im so sorry!

Caller: I’m your worst nightmare. Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??

Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they don’t know the words.

Curiosity has killed my cat…. At least I think it did. I mistook Schrodinger’s box for my cat carrier when I threw the squeaky-catnip-mouse toy in…

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

4/21 International Drug Test Day!!!!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I TEXTED MY BOSS… “What’s the difference between this morning and your daughter?… HE ANSWERED: “I don’t know?” I REPLIED: “I’m not coming in this morning!”

I have Tindr hair…. It’s messy, dry, and I swipe it to the right hoping for good looking results.