Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it? Because they need a fandom that won’t make them feel like trash.

When someone texts you k’, just reply, “L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z”

How do you make a protester cry? Tear gas

Robin Williams was found dead in his house. The police suspect arson, but I doubtfire. Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/2dacn8/no/cjnr8i8

What do you call the killing of Chinese baby girls? Youth-in-Asia

There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about

Guy calls his doctor… He says, “I figured out what’s been causing the pain, doc. Avocado!” Doctor: “Did you research that?” Guy: “No, I just pulled it out of my ass”

Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because the B shells are too small and the D shells are too big!

Why do black people hate wine? Because it’s a waste of perfectly good grape juice. (Also, anyone care to explain me where the “Black people like grape juice” came from?)

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.