BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

If a kid refuses to go to sleep during nap time… Is he guilty of resisting a rest?

If this evening got any more bland and disappointing it would be a menu item at Applebee’s.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to *WANT* to change.

Celebrating Good Friday by honoring Jesus aka doing the same thing he did today and hanging with my Bros.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch! J: Not Guilty!

Every morning when my alarm goes off I think, “this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

officer: give me your name me: then what am I going to use?

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Before you criticize someone.. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.