What’s the difference between Tim cook and a dead body? Tim cook gets to come out of the closet.

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer Ash

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Zero word punchlines * Does this smell like chloroform to you? * I wonder what happens when I pull this pin? * Does this hurt? Comment some more!

They say that 5 in 3 people are bad at fractions. Don’t even get me started on the other half.

Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty fcuking awesome.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

“So send me a picture of you…” *sends* “Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away? HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.