Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

Why do squirrels swim on their back? To keep their nuts dry.

What do you call a radioactive Angler? Nuclear fishin’

What do Vegans, ISIS and Feminists have in common? None of them like pork.

What’s the difference between a lazy overeater and a flirtatious emo? One is Sloth the Gluttonous the other is Goth the Sluttiness. Yep made that up on the way home today… Sorry.

I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.

I just got told by my dentist that he is homosexual. Bloody Tooth Fairy!

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-Na-Na-Na

I’ve developed a phobia of elevators I’m taking steps to avoid them.

i’m not “cute” awkward. i’m “what the hell is wrong with you” awkward.