I was walking home and saw some drunk guy trying to steal someones gate… I was gonna say something, but I din’t want him to take a fence.

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice…. but he’s having Nunavut.

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?! “Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

Found the battery for your mom’s dildo. http://imgur.com/XBmHG7I. C size for scale.

I called the sexual abuse hotline for help. …Apparently it’s only for victims

Love is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

What is Santa’s favourite metal band? Sleigh-er

Why did 10 go missing? Because 9/11.

Ok I have 2 short jokes and a long one. joke joke jooooooooooooooke. I’ll show myself out.

I parked in a disabled space today… …and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what’s your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”