What emotion does a tree feel every spring? Relief

How do you know that a elephant’s been in the fridge? There are foot prints in the butter. “

How do you get a fat lady in a car? Piece of cake.

“Would the owner of a blue PT Cruiser with license plate ‘CRUZIN’ please park your car 300 miles from here and kill yourself? Thank you.”

My wife’s friend’s baby always cries when her mom leaves the room. My son just laughs at her. Proud father of a douchebag.

Why aren’t there very many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long.

Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn’t born yesterday.. Okay I’m done

How does ISIS turn on their water heater? They light the pilot on fire.

What is a missionary’s favorite car a convertible

On my first day of college my dad’s only advice was “don’t date any of your teachers!” Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.