Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? >**Because they lactose**

‘100% Yes!’ ‘1000% Yes!!’ ‘1,000,000% Yes!!!’ I wish the X Factor judges would stop trying to top each other… and just top themselves.

One day I ask my father for $5 He said $4!!!! But why you need $3 for? $2 should be enough. You know what here’s $1 and bring me back half.

Why did the elevator take antidepressants? It was feeling down

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records until the librarian told me to take it out.

This is Ray. http://i.imgur.com/BZfRQEt.png

Why do white girls hang out in odd numbers?? cuz they can’t even!!!!

If shit was music, you’d be an orchestra.