How do you have nasal sex? Fuck nose.

Messy people must see reality shows differently They must see shows like “hoarders” as people with a bunch of cool stuff and douche bags throwing it away

What do you call a womans vagina after having a baby… “Baby Gap”

I don’t know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.

[at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

How do japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konichihuahua

Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] “Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky] But that means…. [Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]