Can you believe my girlfriend’s mother said I’m a pedophile because I’m 40 and she’s 20? Just because she’s a mother doesn’t mean she can judge people twice her age.

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a police car. A porcupine has it’s pricks on the outside.

I was recently the subject of a joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away.

There are two types of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.

The Canadian Army

What do you call that mean guy who keeps waking you up? A myoclonic jerk.

How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women’s March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard.

How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, they blew it up already.

Just Netflixed “2012.” Six Billion people dead at film’s end. Was prepared because PG-13 rating warned of “Mild Violence”