I got caught masturbating by the fedex guy I shouldn’t have answered the door, but you gotta sign for that shit or wait til he comes again.

White people can’t say the N word, but we DO get to say things like, “Thanks Dad” and, ” Thanks for the warning, Officer.”

Vanish- The World’s Number 1 Stain Remover’ Is there a number 2 stain remover? My boxer shorts are absolutely fucked.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

Why does nobody like tampons? Because they’re all stuck up cunts.

There was a man watering his garden across the street at night. At first I thought he was pissing outside but after a realized he wasnt I said “I thought you were peeing” he said “no I’m Chinese”

The next time I see a feminist say “Kill all men”… I’ll just reply “Valar dohaeris”.

Whats black and always in the back of a cop car? A seatbelt.

A new study has found that Donald Trump supporters make the most grammatical errors. They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.” Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?” Wife: “Ian- *pulls off mask* -who is good at disguises!”