I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

What is a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool Wooden tit?

Everyone is making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow. :O

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car … But I won’t.

2 fish were in a tank, what did one of them say to the other? How do I drive this thing?

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.

I don’t care if a human is male or female, Black or white, European, American, or Asian, they all taste the same.