What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? The woman in church has hope in her soul… The woman In the bathtub has soap in her hole.

I got one for you guys… Donald Trump

Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they’re frosted.

Yawning is your body’s way of saying 20% battery left

Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person. ~ internet logic

I heard you were in to fitness… well ima be fitness dick in your mouth in a second

(Animal spelling bee) Owl: Your word is Mississippi Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

Well, that escalated quickly! http://imgur.com/Sjrxt6L

Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Yeah, if he’s a billionaire to begin with..