1 out of 5 dentists is illiterate, and could not complete the survey.

My mother said today, “I’m always alright as long as I’m taking that D.” She was referring to vitamin D.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto uscan u stop please? it’s very distracting ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

[interview after losing a fight] “What happened out there?” I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either

Me: I feel skinnier today! Scale: Nope.

….Hey…uh…hey. Reddit. Yeah, you Reddit…..what do ducks eat? **QUACKERS** **LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL–STARTS CHOKING ON OWN HUMOR–**

My depressed son once confided in me, to which I replied: “Don’t worry, you’re my reason to smile… … because you’re a joke.”

I ordered girlfriend from Thailand who thinks small penis isn’t an obstacle for relationship. Now I just have to get used to that she has one.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

I’m gonna make you .org until you .com everywhere.