Why do ants not go to church? Because they are in sects!

A dick has a sad life His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next door neighbor is an asshole,his best friend is pussy and his owner beats him habitually.!!

My kids lost a Barbie shoe. I dug in the trash and found one. It was from a set they didn’t know was missing Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

I forgot my joke about a lollipop… I swear it was on the tip of my tongue!

How did the bootician style the ghost’s hair? With a scare dryer!

Why did the man keep reloading the picture of the candy cane at the potluck? He was in charge of refresh mints.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.” Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!” [whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, I know in my heart I’d probably just set that thing to lunchtime.

I like my men like I like my laundry Clean and hung

Anyone want to come over for a topless pizza party? I’ll supply the dough, you bring the toppings.