I’ve never liked new years at time square They always drop the ball

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*

What came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster.

I used to live in a tea cup I know what you’re thinking, pour you

They should have cell phone charges in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

What do computer programmers and aged-care nurses have in common? They both worry about the position of colons.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did… OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.

Looking for a +1 for my wedding.

What do cows say on Halloween? Still moo.