My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Why didn’t the shy juggler perform at the circus today? Because he didn’t have the balls!

Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?

Horton Hears a who? Horton Hears a what? Horton Hears a huh? Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

My date said he wasn’t looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.

Communism and nude beaches have one thing in common The idea sounds great unless you’ve actually been there.

What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they are both stuck up cunts.

A horse walks into a bar.. The bartender asks “why the long face?” The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and then leaves.

Apparently, David Cameron can only be divided by himself, and one.

I asked my heart why I can’t sleep at night? Heart replied “because you slept in the afternoon, don’t act like you’re in love”