What do you call a rich male redhead? A Gingerbread Man. I’ll just close the door behind me…

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

At the end of the day, no one needs to worried about the_donald’s large scale of support None of them are old enough to vote anyway.

[ouija board] “Spirits are u there? I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T? [squints] “A needy board?”

I don’t trust any person who hasn’t memorized the fuck out of Bohemian Rhapsody.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

What are some benefits to living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in “fairy dust” She better mean cocaine because if it’s glitter somebody’s going to be homeless

Here’s your social security card. It’s paper and has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck asshole.

Back in Homer’s time it was thought that ingesting small burrowing mammals would cure you of any injury. When the prince of Troy was shot with an arrow the doctor prescribed Paris eat a mole.