At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes. That’s not racist, it’s a medical fact. Now if I said “hide your wallets, there’s diabetes patients around here,” that would be racist.

[emergency] [super hero appears] GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you! HERO: I…I don’t know

What do you call it when water is poured over a clock? Time dilution.

Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it. I wish I could make this up.

[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* “STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house… the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Wow she actually noticed me! Time to pick a different tree.

til the hard way that my toenails are stronger than my teeth.