Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can’t find herself a man. She doesn’t like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn’t like her.

What shouldn’t you do at a funeral? The corpse.

My liver works harder for two days than I do all week…

What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire? That he needed to address the situation

My burrito brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “Careful, everything is falling out from the other side.”

where did the lone ranger take his trash to? to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

Get rich or die of poverty-related causes

Mom, what’s an orgasm? I don’t know, ask your dad.

Why did the Jedi kill his master? To get to the other side. …Told by my brother last night

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.