Super hot girl working the snack stand at the theater … and I just ordered a “cockporn with extra butter”. Thanks brain.

Around me, girls tend to lie when they’re drunk… Especially on their back

What’s Hillary Clinton’s favorite Christmas carol? Depends, what is yours?

My friend from Pakistan said he hates his job and can’t take it anymore “It will get better”, I said. “You have your whole life ahead of you. You’re only 12 years old.”

What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently? A shotgun

What do you call an intelligent blonde? A Labrador.

You know whats the problem with Proctologists…. They always butt in.

A grasshopper walks into a bar And the bartender says “I have a shot named after you” The grasshopper replies “you have a shot named Steve?!” My bartender friend told me this, thought I should share

Who’s bigger? Mr. Bigger? Or Mr. Bigger’s baby? The baby, because it is a little Bigger.

What did Hitler smoke? The Jews.