I could not stop my baby boy from crying so I poured no tears shampoo in his eyes, it didn’t work.

When is the appropriate time to kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

That little dance your thumbs do when you don’t know how to reply to someones text.

What do you call two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

According to my mom, Michael Jackson died again. #RIPPrince

Why is a train like a stick of gum? One goes choo-choo; the other goes chew-chew.

You know why I was mad after I had sex with the women I love? Because she woke up

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Q: You can sleep on it, brush your teeth with it and sit on it, what is it? A: A bed, a tooth brush, and a chair.