How much does a hipster weigh? ….An instagram.

[on date] girl: “id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married” henry the eighth: “our food sure is taking a while”

When I blow myself up in a streetside cafe I expect 72 fleshlights in heaven.

Solving constipation How do you solve constipation? Rape.

My friend hates theme parks because he doesn’t like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

Why did the nun call the Womens helpline? because she was touched by Jesus.

I wanna make a toast, to all of you. But i have no bread.

If I had a daycare, I think it would be awesome to get each kid to wear one of those backpack-leash things and make them pull me on a sled.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes

What kind of computer can’t sing? A Dell