If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

If you’ve met someone a few times but still can’t remember their name, one trick is to avoid them for the rest of your life.

What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head ? Petal !

I can be up bright or early. Pick one.

5: Mommy can we pee in the pool? M: NO! Neighbors kid: Why? M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.

[DARK HUMOUR] What do you call a fat baby? Quite a mouthful.

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked. Now we wait.

3 Mods walk into a bar [deleted]

If a tree falls in the woods… If a tree falls in the woods, and Republicans aren’t around to hear it, is it still Obama’s fault?