Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

What did the grape say after the elephant stepped on him? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

Guess what I saw? wood

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Quizzes…… If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Love is like a cup of hot coffee on a rainy day… It gets cold really fast.

[Entire house is full of trees] Girlfriend: What did you do?! Me: You told me to spruce things up. GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

[date with girl I met at the park] Waiter: is everything ok, sir? Me:*fighting back the tears* Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.

Why do scientists love watching dog shows? They appreciate good lab skills

Here’s a joke about procrastinating