Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

A man walks into a bell tower and shoots 16 people… America responds by restricting access to bell towers.

What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other? A colour scheme.

I hate Christmas. I work throughout the year to afford gifts, and the fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit. Still I suppose it’s my fault for marrying her.

A man in North Korea got given 40 years in a labour camp for calling Kim Jong Un an idiot… 5 for slander, and 35 for revealing state secrets-

People of Twitter: If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it’s hot -pooping

“Hey man, for our grammer project, do you think we might get an A?” “We shall C”

What do princess diana and pink floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was the wall.

Why don’t we let Google Chrome drive? Because it crashes all the time. *Disclaimer – shameless chrome user*