Got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”

Me: this doesn’t seem right Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists M: yeah D: im the one *he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel? I’m sorry to leave now that I’ve almost bought the place.

[Rorschach test] Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps Dr: I think we can skip the others

Image sharing sites before E3 are just like a toy vegetable stand Full of fake leeks

I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field!

Q: What did the head trauma patients do when the price of medicine went up? A: They went on stroke.

I’ve said this to countless medical professionals. Nobody’s laughed yet. “Does my chart say what blood type I have? I can never remember.” “O+” “Oh… [insert troll face] Positive?”

Planet joke. If you make a cake that looks like Mars, could you say it’s out of this world? 😉