The poor sentence got hurt while riding his bike… He got his dangling modifier stuck in the chain.

VERY angry at @united flight attendant who REFUSED to let me ride as a lap baby

When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper “suck it” under my breath.

I like my women how I like my coffee… Without a dick.

What do you call a Skydiving criminal Condescending

A roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barkeeper looks at him and says “mate, don’t you mean a martini?” The centurio answers “if i wanted a double i would’ve ordered it!”

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Why a centipede cannot fly coach? Not enough leg room!

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Buh dum tsss

You’re Girlfriend is the square root of -100. She’s a 10, but she’s imaginary.