What’s the difference between friends and potatoes? Potatoes don’t scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS? I just asked him to edit my essay; and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy; if he can figure that out from my writing.

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world. I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

Two fish are STILL in a tank one turns to the other and says “NOPE!”

I found a rating for the Sun online. It was only a star.

If I wanted a president, who had never touched a vagina… …I would’ve voted Jeb!

I have to stop saying “How stupid can you be” I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

I heard abortions are quite exhausting.. I was confused too, but apparently it really takes it out of you.

Why did the coed have sex with a Mexican? Her professor told her if she wanted to pass, she had to do an essay